Culture Of Time What Makes a Watch Sexy?

They are also very often used, like anything you put on your body, to telegraph that the wearer is looking for a certain kind of mate, or, at the very least, some action.

Now, before you start getting upset that someone is daring to suggest watches are not just worn or purchased for the pure and chaste love of horology, let me explain: No, I am not going to say that every single watch at every single moment has a sex agenda.

But of all the categories we can slot watches into – complicated, elegant, utilitarian, thrilling, boring, sophisticated, expensive, not expensive – I think we can agree sexy is one of them. Of course, not everyone finds the same things sexy, and watches are not all sexy in the same way. I found 10 ways and more watches. Some of them telegraph a restrained sensuality while others are just downright smutty. Like sex itself, the following list can get awkward at times, but a little self-awareness goes a long way. So if you're squeamish, maybe skip this one rather than allow yourself to be scandalized.

1. The "Seductively Sexy" Watch: Bulgari Serpenti

If you will recall from The Bible, the serpent casts the world into sin via the woman's weakness. If you will recall from the 1960s, Elizabeth Taylor wore a Bulgari Serpenti when she was cheating on Eddie Fisher with Richard Burton, who was also cheating on his wife, Sybil Williams, with Elizabeth Taylor (and her Serpenti.)

Now we don't want to say that the Bulgari Serpenti ended these marriages, but you can't deny that the Serpenti winds its way up your arm and then looks out at the world, daring it to scale your limbs as well.

This is a watch you wear to suggest that you are likely physically and mentally flexible. That said, this watch is so aggressively, over-the-top sexy that in its utter non-subtlety, it becomes almost funny. Additional humor points to the Serpenti for resembling a child's drawing of Nessie.

Runner up: The Bulgari Octo Finissimo, though it has restraint where the Serpenti has none.

2. The "Sexy Like Leather" Watch:  Audemars Piguet Royal Oak Perpetual Calendar Black Ceramic

This watch says not only "I love the night," but also "the night is when I am at my best," and finally "I have secrets." Like, "I am a hedge fund manager by day and Vampire Diaries reruns watcher by night, but also, I have dungeons in two out of my three homes. (The Aspen place is strictly for skiing.)"

Yes, there are a lot of black ceramic watches. But this one has black subdials on a black dial and a ceramic bracelet; it's what happens when you spin money into black ceramic. Also, someone who saw this watch in person said it had a sort of sheen on it that reminded them of latex.

If you see someone with a Royal Oak in Black Ceramic just know that while three-quarters of their wardrobe is comprised of half-zip fleeces they got as Christmas gifts from Marc Andreessen, the remaining quarter is latex pants and fetish boots. Know that when they are in a shopping district of any large city, their eyes light up hopefully upon spotting a Desigual or Wilson's Leather at a distance, and they are visibly deflated when they realize their mistake. Also, do not blame me for this entry. I asked our Style Editor Malaika Crawford if she actually thought it was true that people wearing Royal Oak in Black Ceramic were trying to suggest they enjoyed a little kink and she wrote back "100 percent."

Runners up:

Hublot Classic Fusion Black Ceramic

Unimatic Modello Due U2S-M

3. The "Sexy Because I'd Be A Good Husband" Watch: The Omega Seamaster Diver 300m

The Seamaster wins this category because it's fancy but not too fancy. It evokes fiscal responsibility. It suggests the right combination of "willing to go to work" and also "good at sports" or even "I value the idea of being good at sports" or, at the very least, "I don't know much about sports, but I am willing to be polite and pretend I know what's going on and not embarrass myself while other men discuss sports." You can wear it even if all you ever do is swim laps, and even then only on vacation, and even then if it's only two or three before hitting the swim-up bar.

Not just any Seamaster will do. Stainless steel is the metal here. It lets the world know you're strong and sturdy, not looking for too much attention. Gold – yellow or rose – might be sexy in some situations, but it's not Good Husband Sexy. It's too greedy. The wearer of this watch never thinks about himself anymore. Similarly, dial color. Keep it white, or maybe blue. Orange is cool, but it's more "I love jet skiing" than "I love going snorkeling with the whole family." (Those of you who have seen White Lotus Season 2 know what jet skiing leads to.) Also, forget about that GMT Worldtimer, which implies an unwillingness to settle down.

Runners up:

Tudor Black Bay

Oris Aquis Date Caliber 400 41.5mm Green Dial On Rubber Strap

4. The "Sexy Because I'd Be A Good Wife" Watch: Tank Louis Cartier in yellow gold with leather strap

It's really surprising that after so many years of wristwatches, no one's come up with a better watch for a woman to wear to show that she has all the qualities of being a good wife and mother. She is classy, she has good taste in such abundant amounts that it can not help but overflow to offspring, looking good matters to her but she is never a show-off. Cartier is the one. I like the leather strap for this category because it's just a little more practical. Also, metal can get chilly against an infant's skin!

See, there's sexy, but then there's wife/mom sexy. And this is a type of attractiveness that must never involve effort, must always seem accidental. The Tank, which gets all its grace and beauty from its simplicity, is absolutely unbeatable in this category. There are no runners-up, there is no substitute.

Now, arguably, this makes the Cartier Tank, as a choice for women, a bit basic and safe. But also, is there any woman who loves watches who isn't dying to own one, including me? The Cartier Tank tells the world that you're desirable, but you don't need to be desired, that you value wealth and security, but you already have it. Damn this watch. It's so expected but it also delivers on everything it promises.

5. The "Artsy Sexy" Watch: The Classico Manara Series from Ulysse Nardin

I remember where I was the first time I saw one of these watches. That's a lie. I don't, because after I saw it, all the blood drained out of my face, I passed out, and I lost my short-term memory for a week. When I woke up, I said to myself, "I just had this bizarre dream that a heritage brand had in its collection a watch with a meticulously painted dial depicting a woman and a mermaid engaging in oral sex."

But it was not a dream! Not only was it real, but I had only seen watch number six in a collection of 10, known as the Classico Manara series. ("Classico Manara" means "mermaids do sex in the ocean - classic!" in Italian)

For those not familiar, the series, 10 paintings on 10 separate watch dials linked by the telling of an erotic tale as old as time, goes as follows:

• Watch #1) A beautiful sailboat on the high seas

• 2) A woman wearing a shirt but no pants lounging on sailboat

• 3) A woman (same outfit) jumps into the water

• 4) Woman attacked by a shark

• 5) Woman saved from shark by hot mermaid with identical torso

• 6) Woman receives oral sex from mermaid, presumably as a "thank you"

• 7) Mermaid/woman frottage

• 8) More sexytime, but now while shark lurks in the background

• 9) The shark returns, but now it looks friendlier? Mermaid and woman part. Don't know if the shark was like "Party's over, ladies!" or if it just happened to show up when they were finished

• 10) The mermaid washes up on a beach and waves toward the sea. An abiding mystery is whether she's waving to the woman like, "thanks for the greatest afternoon of my life," or to the shark, like, "She's all yours now, bud, bon appetit!"

The horological world did not – bless it – invent erotic art. No, we have Rembrandt and Jeff Koons to thank for that. And since watches do everything, it was inevitable that they would do this. Erotic watches actually precede Koons if not Rembrandt. In 18th century France, during the reign of openly libidinous King Louis XV, risque pocket watches were in. In the 1980s and 1990s, during the reign of general tackiness, Chopard and Blancpain made some eyebrow-raising casebacks. But these days Ulysse Nardin can make more of a claim to dominate the erotic watch market, with this collection as well as the Hourstriker Erotica and the Classic Voyeur collection. What a niche!

Other categories:

6. The "Sexy Because I Can Bench Press A Bus" Watch: Any Panerai.

7. The "Sexy Because I'm Sensitive" Watch:  Raúl Pagès Régulateur à détente RP1

This watch features a detente escapement, which is susceptible to shock. So the watchmaker created a way to prevent this with a sort of anti-tripping mechanism. Interesting, as is the Corbusier-inspired design, but not why this watch is sensual. The amorous appeal is in the quiet, calming dial. Maybe it's the hour dial and small seconds dial looking as if they are two round beings in conversation, but it just seems to me that whoever wore this watch would actually listen to you talk, for hours and hours, the ultimate aphrodisiac.

8. The "Is This Sexy Or Just Weird?" Watch: Leopard-print Daytona

9. The "I'm Sexy Because I'm Rich, End Of Story" Watch: Patek Philippe Perpetual Calendar Chronograph

There are a lot of "I'm rich" watches, but let's be real, Patek is the sexiest watch brand if what you find sexy is money. I guess maybe you could say Richard Mille, too, but anyone who is more into Richard Mille than Patek probably likes the part of online dating that involves thinking how the latest round of VC financing went for various date aps more than the date itself.  Meanwhile, anyone who gets their hands on enough extra cash to buy one of these has to be utterly ruthless, and if you were also chosen by them you'll think of yourself as rare and priceless by extension. This is not my thing, but if I had to guess.

10. The "Sexy If That Means Number Of Sex Acts Depicted On Dial" Watch: Jacob & Co. Caligula White Gold Pave

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